Emotional Pitfalls in Your Things When Merging Households
Merging households through marriage or moving in with a partner brings excitement and hope for the future. It can also bring up unexpected emotions about your things.
If either of you had previously established your own home, you will probably need to downsize to merge households. The feelings that come up as you make decisions about which things to keep and which to let go can come as a surprise. Even if you’re good at resolving relationship issues, intense emotions can still flood you unexpectedly. Starting a new life with your partner is supposed to be exciting and happy. Why are you suddenly feeling defensive or upset? There are valid reasons for these mixed feelings.
Your things reflect your identity. Letting them go can bring up fear that you are losing your identity in the relationship. There can be grief over letting go of your past at the same time you’re excited about the future. You may have sentimental attachment to some items. It’s not practical to keep those salt and pepper shakers. Your partner has nicer ones, but they were your grandmothers’ and remind you of her.
It’s important to have gentle and honest conversations with your partner about your feelings. Share your fears about losing your identity and your grief over letting part of your past go. Listen to them with empathy. Allow time for both of you to work through this. Remember that your goal is to create a partnership together. Support each other in keeping the things that have the most value to each of you. Maybe the sentimental value of your grandmother’s salt and pepper shakers is more important than having a nicer set. Maybe your partner will choose to keep your new sofa instead of the worn-out recliner they’ve loved for years. Working through these decisions mindfully, honestly and respectfully will strengthen your relationship. Storing some of your things for a few months and making decisions more slowly could reduce your stress. Something that seems like a core part of your identity now may seem less important in a few months as your comfort with merging households increases. If you realize you’re avoiding decisions instead of moving forward, you might want to work with a coach or therapist.
If you have different preferences in home décor and lifestyle, it’s important to work through these differences respectfully as you merge your things to create a new home. Can you find a way to incorporate both of your favorite things into your new home? Can you understand your partner’s attachment to a particular item? A painting that you dislike may have sentimental value for your partner. Can you see it from their point of view? Don’t make them feel like you’re just tolerating it. Choosing some new furniture and décor together can also help you create a new identity as a couple.
Continuing to see your home as separate collections of your partner’s things and your things long-term could be a sign that you there is an issue you need to resolve in your relationship. If you’re having a lot of difficulty creating a home together, it might be a good idea to get some counseling before you move in together.
